Svatman

Sometimes I think why I’m not happy, what all the things I need, how much it relates to materialistic things and how much emotional, what would fulfill more, if I get a car, or some ai/iot devices, or if i get to do some threesome, foursome or any porn-inspired fantasy, or a hooker, will that be enough, would I say, “yeah, that’s life!”?

I don’t think so. I think I’ve observed a lot of people pretty closely, talked to them a lot; about their feelings, views, experiences if any. Some of them having a lot of money, probably enough to make a hole in the sky, just kidding; anyway don’t mix-up the holes, I’m still talking about the ‘sky’.

Ok, let’s go back to the basic, birth of earth, starting with first cell and then development to a human (homo erectus) then homo neanderthal and homo sapiens. Why do you think Neanderthal lost to world while Sapiens won? Despite having better brain, and big body, Neanderthal went extinct, why do you think so, what could have been the reason, don’t the big brain and more muscles win the game? So how did exactly that happen? And why a lot of female still want Neanderthal type men? (It’ll raise a whole new debate so later for now.)

I think the answer lies in understanding how and when human works. In my understanding, humans work, apart from having a good assurance of food and related basic things, when they’re emotionally secure, secure enough to be loved, understood and cared enough that when they try or risk experiencing new things and if they miserably fail in the adventure, they would still be loved and appreciated that they tried and it’s ok failing. [This is the reason why Sapiens survived and prospered while Neanderthals failled because the later couldn’t build a large range of relationships, or if you permit then some emotionally secure ones.]

For this, people, I think, search for love. Sex, may be, one of the reason while looking for love, but it’s not limited to that, it’s not even a major part because two people having great sex may not be really happy emotionally together but two people having great emotional bonds with not-so-great-sex may be more likely to be happy. I’m not denying the fact that Sex could be one of the big or the biggest factor for breaking a (or potential) relationship. But I think the emotional bond is more important than sex for a long lasting relationship. Especially in modern times, where all people are scattered like rubbles on a beach, seeming similar but can’t fit together, it’s difficult to find “one” who will get you, will fit you like the piece of puzzle, not necessarily completing the puzzle though, for that one needs more people who will get you, it may include some friends, relatives or parents which is difficult for they’re not even spatially close in the fast moving world; also sometimes the generation gap, background differences etc could be the factors.

But the most important factor is cognitive gap. If the person in your primary relationship is not cognitively compatible with you, you won’t feel happy ever. It doesn’t mean the person with you is in anyway wrong, it just means (s)he will find it difficult to see the world from your point of view. It’ll be a constant space of struggle, constantly feeling misunderstood, pushing the person’s boundaries without their will and it’ll become power struggle where it should be ideally love which basically means “feeling understood”.

So, in search of how to find the right one, not necessarily one person, instead it can be a group or groups where some cognitive Identities are common to all the members belonging to the group, I started interviewing people. For this, I used the dating apps to talk with people, used MBTI type classifications, faceology (reading facial expressions & structures and then determining their personality and behaviours); travelled on metro without any fixed purpose just to talk with random strangers about their needs and all. So what I observed that most people desperately want to preserve their mental health and want a person who’ll help them in this voyage, which may seemingly be simple but is really very difficult to handle. Because mental health for most people is not dependent on internal views about themselves but how others perceive them, how others assure them. If the primary person assures us in the most authentic way, where we know (s)he is exactly understanding what we are trying to say and then (s)he’s giving assurance of love and care, we feel blessed, and we think, this is exactly what’s heaven.

But then question is how it can happen:

I’ll briefly mention here what I learnt from my own and others’ experience, we need 3 steps of solution:

1. KNOWING OURSELVES
2. Finding the person suitable for us for long term relationships (remember ‘primary relationship’), it’s very important to know that not everyone is suitable for everyone and there are some psychological, intuitive tools available to find the right range of people.
3. Talking things out with that person and having patience and empathy for her/him during the process.

Now how will you do it?

For this, talk to a psychologist/coach (preferably an intuitive one because she’ll be the most OPEN to consider all factors) for all the three steps.

Start by “knowing yourself “. Once you know yourself you’ll able to choose the right career, compatible partner(s), and if you have already chosen then you’ll know how to manage all by knowing your strength and weaknesses. It’ll save you from lots of mental disturbances/issues/stress and will be a great step towards ‘life fulfillment’.

Lastly, finally when I started understanding myself, I am continuously becoming happy more and more, I stopped running behind every girl, I could understand that not everyone is right for me, I met some great girls, we talked, I explained how we can be a good couple and what are some things we each will have to sacrifice differently. With great clarification, some understood that they won’t be able to do that much and we separated, it saved us from lots of toxic issues, all but some of them are still my great friends and with help of me, some were able to find the right or the most compatible ones.